2.1.09
11.12.08
i'm sorry
The next few months will be a period of uncertainty, maybe even moments of temerity. For now, I don't think it's appropriate that I put down my thoughts in black and white.
Thank you all who have visited my blog. I'll be right back.
Thank you all who have visited my blog. I'll be right back.
21.9.08
rewind
I'm scared. I know I need to be confident in myself, but it seems that over these few months, I've lost a lot of it progressively. Something's not right. I just need to keep my fingers crossed that I can regain my confidence in time for A-levels, or else who knows what will be left of me by then.
I often recall being bullied a lot in primary 3. (Fortunately it was less serious then what we see in the news today.) I remember being pinched, having my hair pulled and being called 'guinea pig' while taking the school bus home. I cried a few times. The bus driver was rather useless; he scolded them and they left me alone for the day, but tomorrow they would resume their old ways. It didn't stop there. During recess the bunch of them would harass me if they saw me (or perhaps they found me).
I still remember their full names. One of them was my own classmate, whom I often insulted as 'zhu rou' because I hated him beyond reconciliation. I continued to insult him despite getting pinched by him and being told to shut up. But I never fought back. I don't know why; perhaps I was too timid and soft-hearted. Neither do I know why those clowns chose me as their target. But on hindsight I feel proud of myself, because never in my life have I been that infallible before. The experience was bad but it failed to leave any kind of emotional scar on me.
Today I need to find back that same strength which pulled me though my misery 9 years ago, and use it to tackle whatever that stands in the way of me scoring good grades for my A-levels. I don't have much time left to find it...
I often recall being bullied a lot in primary 3. (Fortunately it was less serious then what we see in the news today.) I remember being pinched, having my hair pulled and being called 'guinea pig' while taking the school bus home. I cried a few times. The bus driver was rather useless; he scolded them and they left me alone for the day, but tomorrow they would resume their old ways. It didn't stop there. During recess the bunch of them would harass me if they saw me (or perhaps they found me).
I still remember their full names. One of them was my own classmate, whom I often insulted as 'zhu rou' because I hated him beyond reconciliation. I continued to insult him despite getting pinched by him and being told to shut up. But I never fought back. I don't know why; perhaps I was too timid and soft-hearted. Neither do I know why those clowns chose me as their target. But on hindsight I feel proud of myself, because never in my life have I been that infallible before. The experience was bad but it failed to leave any kind of emotional scar on me.
Today I need to find back that same strength which pulled me though my misery 9 years ago, and use it to tackle whatever that stands in the way of me scoring good grades for my A-levels. I don't have much time left to find it...
19.9.08
i'm back :)
Yup, prelims have just ended. But there's plenty of distance left before that final lap, and it's an uphill struggle to the top of the mountain. The peak of freedom.
I'm blogging again because I woke up from my coma. A pretty damn long one, enough to trigger a lifetime of gene mutations (and damage). The point is, this leopard somehow managed to change his spots, unconsciously. I've identified these problems, few in number but radical enough to scare the pants off my waist.
I realise I don't have the necessary confidence to perform well under pressure. For the past six months or so, stress and nervousness have been a regular part of my psyche. Perhaps this accounts for my frequent stuttering nowadays. There's more. I can't believe that I've become more caustic in my choice of words, sometimes giving others a rude shock. I tend to be obsessed (and worried) about my future when I should be concentrating on A-levels and how to make the best of this dark moment of my life. Perhaps sleeping late on a frequent basis has taken its toll on my health. Yes, I need to sleep early whenever possible (like now!!!). I admit, I also need to brighten up my life with more positive energy.
Ok, give me a second to cheer up.
I think I'm still hanging in there because my peers have been nice to me and I really appreciate what they've done for me. I hope they know, and likewise I should try to reciprocrate more often if we're all going to get through this together.
After A-levels I really want to do a million things. Like learning French, doing a piano diploma, listening to more Japanese pop, learning how to cook, and the most basic-of-all necessity: indulging in more food!!! I want my salmon sashimi, unagi, sushi, prawn salad, mango-papaya salad, thai fried rice, fried chicken drumstick, fried calamari rings, sweet-potato leaf, mushroom, ice-cream, ... ... , all in a single meal!!! I have an elastic stomach. Period. And maybe one day, I'll finally live to eat and not eat to live!
Oh no it's a bit late already. I should shut-up and get some shut-eye instead. Don't fall into another coma...
I'm blogging again because I woke up from my coma. A pretty damn long one, enough to trigger a lifetime of gene mutations (and damage). The point is, this leopard somehow managed to change his spots, unconsciously. I've identified these problems, few in number but radical enough to scare the pants off my waist.
I realise I don't have the necessary confidence to perform well under pressure. For the past six months or so, stress and nervousness have been a regular part of my psyche. Perhaps this accounts for my frequent stuttering nowadays. There's more. I can't believe that I've become more caustic in my choice of words, sometimes giving others a rude shock. I tend to be obsessed (and worried) about my future when I should be concentrating on A-levels and how to make the best of this dark moment of my life. Perhaps sleeping late on a frequent basis has taken its toll on my health. Yes, I need to sleep early whenever possible (like now!!!). I admit, I also need to brighten up my life with more positive energy.
Ok, give me a second to cheer up.
I think I'm still hanging in there because my peers have been nice to me and I really appreciate what they've done for me. I hope they know, and likewise I should try to reciprocrate more often if we're all going to get through this together.
After A-levels I really want to do a million things. Like learning French, doing a piano diploma, listening to more Japanese pop, learning how to cook, and the most basic-of-all necessity: indulging in more food!!! I want my salmon sashimi, unagi, sushi, prawn salad, mango-papaya salad, thai fried rice, fried chicken drumstick, fried calamari rings, sweet-potato leaf, mushroom, ice-cream, ... ... , all in a single meal!!! I have an elastic stomach. Period. And maybe one day, I'll finally live to eat and not eat to live!
Oh no it's a bit late already. I should shut-up and get some shut-eye instead. Don't fall into another coma...
10.3.08
workaholic
It's supposed to be holiday but we have common tests to prepare for. What 'life' do we have? And I don't wish to be further misled into thinking that since our lives are meant to be hectic and stressful we might as well get used to it. Absolutely not.
I like the smell of fresh air, especially when the wind blows straight into your face on a cool, rainy day. But I also hate it when people put you in a spot just so that they can squeeze out every bit of what they think you're worth and discard whatever that's left behind. Like a blender. But a blender has no feelings. Oh wait, since when did they have any?
I like the smell of fresh air, especially when the wind blows straight into your face on a cool, rainy day. But I also hate it when people put you in a spot just so that they can squeeze out every bit of what they think you're worth and discard whatever that's left behind. Like a blender. But a blender has no feelings. Oh wait, since when did they have any?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)